In a perfect new year...

It's obligatory. I tell you then you tell me. Because you might inspire me. Come, come. I really want to be inspired.

I will not be in another relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. The next person I get exclusively involved with will be someone who blows my mind, rocks my socks, and otherwise leaves me with no desire to even begin to think about other people. He could make love to me in the morning, then shoot the shit in bed for an hour before we make breakfast together. We could spend afternoons hiking or dancing, playing music, or anything. He values the time we spend apart, and understands how important it is to have. He understands that there's really no apart, no matter how far. He's kind, but not boring. He knows how to take a joke and also give a joke. He is going to be super. I don't care how long it takes. Could be tomorrow or five years. I want to wait. I'm happy to wait. I look forward to meeting this person, or re-meeting this person, as the case may be.

I will smile at people as I walk passed them. Even if they look miserable or antisocial. Even if I feel miserable. Because I have a fraction of a hope it will make them feel a little bit good, which might make others feel a little bit good and so on. I will talk to strangers, like gas station attendants, librarians and my next door neighbor's next door neighbor. I will listen to people when they are talking to me. I will be interested in their emotions and experiences and that interest will lead to insight.

I will find a healthy life routine and try to stick to it. In sticking to it, I will begin to enjoy it. In enjoying it, I will be happier. And then I will change the routine and start the cycle over. At the same time, I will try not to feel unhealthy, panicky or like I'm reversing my process when I'm not on a routine. I will not care what people think of my routine because only I know how much it helps me. Additionally, and equally as important, I will stop being callus and quick-tempered with people it is way too easy to be callus, namely my immediate family. I will remind myself they are people and feel things.

I will stop having apocalyptic thoughts. I will stop beating myself to a pulp: take myself less seriously and care less about other people's shallow percptions of me. I will try to be more gentle and forgiving with myself. And laugh with myself, not at myself. Or at myself - anything's better than yelling at, or throttling myself. I will do this by way of decentralizing myself from my existence. I will think of myself as the entire universe (trees, the papaya women in India, ex -boyfriends, clay pots) thereby treating my nuclear self how I treat the universe and treating the universe how I treat myself. This will help me treat my mind, my bod, my universe better, I hope. I will realize, everything's not so bad.

The world is what it is, and all I can do is work within that. I will know I can't fix everything, stop trying to fix what I cannot fix. I will be compassionate but honest. I will not cater to anyone's ego or give attention-cravers attention. I will try to realize that what I think is the right way to live may not be how someone else thinks is the right way - and both ways are equally legit. I will, in turn, expect people to do the same for me and give it to me straight. I will let people fight their own battles because i realize now, no matter what, people do what they want to do. I will accept things the way they are -broken or not. I will also stop trying to see things as either "fixed" or "broken," in the first place because that binary implies there's only one right way; I refuse to believe it.

I will love everyone until they give me a legitimate reason not too (I will believe there is no legitimate reason not to love someone) and I will forgive people who hurt me (hopefully I will eventually find a way to not let people affect me this way but...in the meantimes) because carrying around that anger is just not worth it.

I will let go of phantoms.

I will actively try to write happier stories and happier poems. But if I can't do that, I will accept that my shit's heavy and go with it.

I will not forget these ambitions in two-five days. If I do forget, I will find a way to remind myself. I will understand it's a process, not an end-game and that change is extremely, monumentally, beyond belief difficult. But not impossible.

Not Impossible,

Not Impossible.