hate mail

Dear Universe,

OK. I get it. You are a pretty apathetic dude when it comes to day -to-day things. You don't really give a fuck how the Amazon weather patterns have been really messing with all of our hopeful New England brains. I mean, what's a couple ruinded barbecues, right? We're supposed to be adaptable. You're supposed to make life exciting.

But the thing is, we're creatures of habit. We like things to go a certain way. We like to go through with plans.

And I know it's more me than you when I look at everyone else and feel like everyone I've ever met is succeeding with flying colors at life and I am just drowning. It may or may not be the case. I don't know people all that well and I certainly am not seeing clear enough to access my own state of success v. failure.

Could you at least send me some more humor. And not the kind of humor you only see when you hit rock bottom - I don't want to start laughing uncontrollable when I see a baby fall down the stairs or something. I mean, that's wrong. I want the good kind of humor, the kind that makes me see how foolish I've been. I want to laugh because someone actually shows me I matter to them or because I actually like the job I take.

Well, don't worry, I know that nothing is going to happen for me unless I make it happen. No one or nothing fixes you except you. Fair enough. Whatever. And I know you're all about survival of the fittest. I'm beginning to think I'm just not the fittest. I know a fit person when I see them. They are the people who's got problems like hm, bills, stress at work, etc. But they also know how to balance it out with things like...ice cream and puppies and warm blankets and friends. They certainly don't feel like they're doomed. Or that they've sold their soul to evil. (That's right, evil. Universe, - nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so, you say- but lately I'm not sure. Lately I feel there is such a thing as evil).

Man, when you turn on people, you have a way of making them so self-absorbed and childish. Come on, you know I don't make good decisions when I'm in this state of mind. You know I am likely to get myself in sticky situations, do things I'll regret. Why the hell can't you just care about my well-being an itty bitty smidge??

I have a friend who lost six friends in one year. That's just not fair. Throw him a bone. I mean, come on.

I'm pretty damn sure I got a few good fuck ups left in me and it'll all be due to wanting to go against you, universe. If universe decides I shouldn't have good friends right now, best to just go it alone. I'll step aside, let them do their thing - even if it means I don't get to have them in my life. I guess if they're on the road to success, who am I to stop them. Go them, they're just doing what I wish I could do. If the universe wants me to gain a few pounds, ugh, whatever. If the universe wants me stuck in East Bum Fuck NH making cheap ass wages to work full-time for a tiny little paper, whatever. Just give me some strength to hold on to my long term goals and keep pursuing them.

Universe, I'm pissed off at you.

And I know you don't give a fuck.

And I know you're going to make me figure it out alone, bastard.

Well once my temper tantrum is out of my system, maybe you won't be on my shitlist anymore.

But come on, this is fucking hard. Put it into perspective for me. Stop the rain for a moment so I can just think for a second.

I'm sick of going to bed angry.

Sincerely,

Your worst enemy